Four years ago, at 11:55 PM, we welcomed our first born son into the world. Our sweet baby boy, Jayce Ryan, was born still.
It is still so hard for me to believe that four years have already passed. It seems like just yesterday we were holding him in our arms, saying our hellos and goodbyes all at the same time. Two short ours with our baby boy. My heart still aches and there is not a moment that passes that I don't wish that he were here with us. I wonder how his little laughs and voice would sound, what kinds of toys and movies he would like. I wonder how he and Kaden would interact. I wonder so many things. Since having Kaden, and seeing all of the milestones he has hit, it has really hit me hard with just how many special little moments we have missed out on with Jayce. First smiles and laughs, rolling over, sitting up, talking and teething, sleeping through the night and special holidays. It is enough to break my heart sometimes but it also enough to make me really cherish every single moment we have with Kaden. Through the loss of Jayce I have learnt so much and how unexpected life can be. I have learnt how incredibly important it is to hold tight to the ones you love, live in every moment with them and be sure to tell them exactly what they mean to you. Never hold back.
Four years have come and gone and the pain is still there. But who would ever expect that kind of pain to disappear? I know that it will never go away but have also chosen not to let this pain make me bitter. I choose to live every single day to the fullest and with compassion. I choose to live every single day for Jayce; I live a life that I would have wanted him to experience. But most importantly? I above all else have chosen to exactly that ... simply LIVE.